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You Can't Get What You Want (Til You Know What You Want)

Writer's picture: SheilaSheila

Endings. That's all that surround me these days. My mom's passing on October 7, her memorial on October 30, my person leaving a few days later for a month long trip just when I needed him most, and now the complete dissolution of that relationship. Done. Gone. Passwords changed. Locks changed. Beneficiary changed. Numbers blocked. How did my life go so horribly awry?


I think my answer lies in the title to this story. I've come to realize that I've never truly known what it is I want. Don't get me wrong, I've known what I've wanted in the moment, but never in my life have I known what I wanted, or needed, long term. The only thing I have ever truly understood about myself is that I never wanted kids. Not because I don't like them; I just never had that particular gene, I suppose. I see now that children help serve as an anchor that keeps people moored, keeps them centered, gives them perspective, and gives a person purpose beyond one's self. I, on the other hand, am a rowboat with no oars, aimlessly meandering through waters with no shoreline.



For those who know me, you're going to get a huge laugh from this next part, but it's so unfortunately true- I am a hopeless romantic. Yeah, shut the fuck up. I mean it. I have always wanted that perfect love; you know, the thing that doesn't exist. I give people chances repeatedly, even after they break my heart, because I want so badly to believe that they can change. I give them second and third chances because it's what I would want if I screwed up. But the difference is that I would want to make up for my mistakes. Most don't because it wasn't a mistake to begin with.


I've been very isolated for the past two years and I finally have a chance to spend an evening with old friends. One in particular; a woman I love like a sister. Unfortunately, he who shall not be named made sure I was left with no one to take care of my dogs by MAKING his daughter reneg on a promise she made me to look after them, (she's a grown ass woman, but she did exactly as she was told, going so far as to avoid answering my calls or texts. Those two have some weird emotionally incestuous shit going on) thus attempting to make sure I couldn't take a one night break from my isolation. Why? Because he's threatened by my friendships. He's especially threatened by my ex-husband, whom I remain friends with after divorcing in, get this, 2005. Yeah, that's right, 16 fucking years ago. How insecure does a man have to be to want to keep his mate alone and miserable while she is grieving the death of her parent? The darkest days of her entire life? Well, kiss my ass, mofo. You failed. In every imaginable way possible, you are a failure.


I still don't know exactly what I want from this life, but I can damn well tell you what I will never again allow in my orbit- anyone who dares try to diminish my light. I'm sorry if it was shining in your eyes, asshole, but that's what sunglasses are for. I'm a brilliant, beautiful, loyal, decent person and I will never again give anyone the chance to take the sparkle from my eyes, or from my heart. Ever. Again.


Now, please listen to the fabulous musician, songwriter and singer, Joe Jackson, whom I have loved since I first heard him in 1979, singing the theme song to my life...





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2018  by Bad Lucky

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Just a woman living and learning

along the way.

So far, I suck at it. 

 

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