Devious Daughter / Sinister Sister

Did you know that I am an evil mastermind of global proportions? A nefarious ne’er-do-well? A money-hungry heathen? A plunderer of the family moola? Neither did I until I was enlightened to this ‘fact’ by a portion of my siblings.

Yeehaw! I am literally made of money!

My father has been dearly departed for a year now. During that time, my partner (in crime, obviously) and I have lost a motorhome to fire, my car to flooding from Hurricane Florence, his home/boat/motorcycle in SC to fire, and we got kicked out of the local health club for fighting. Damn, we are seriously dysfunctional in our evil genius.

We are the Boris and Natasha of crime. Inept, but really photogenic!

Because we have replaced the things we have lost, we are apparently manipulating my poor, clueless mother out of her vast sums of money; money that apparently needs to be saved for my siblings upon (what I guess they believe to be) her imminent demise. We have our own money you ignorant troglodytes, and we are making sure mom sticks around for a loooooong time so suck it up and deal with it.

Trust me, if I was out to steal my sibling’s inheritance, it and I would be long gone.

-*Newsflash*- I have had access to all her accounts for a year. I am either the dumbest (and slowest) thief on earth OR I’M JUST NOT TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING. I’m also trying to keep mom safe, healthy, and happy so if anyone is trying to do something other than that...

My thought exactly, Lily Allen.